Um. I am 100% stupid.

So, Sunday night I broke up with SP, only by like, noon on Monday, we were magically not broken-up anymore, and we haven’t really talked about it since then, and are pretending it didn’t happen until December, at which point we will re-evaluate. So, naturally, in December I am pretty sure I will need to find a new place to live, because our convo on Sunday was uh. Honest. And by that, I mean I pretty much just said everything I’ve been feeling, and I made a grown man start sobbing and I’m a horrible human being, and if things weren’t broken like I thought they were before, they certainly are now, because it’s not exactly like I can un-say “You make me so miserable. I am going to just kill myself.” Pretty much the only things I left out were A.) I have faked every orgasm for the last four years, with the exception of one, and B.) I really like the guy from class that I keep referring to as a douchebag in daily conversation.

I also made a total fool of myself trying to talk to the guy I like from my class. I probably sounded like a total fucking jackass saying something as utterly fucking stupid as “Hey, I hope this doesn’t sound totally weird because you don’t really know me, but I read your blog, and I really liked your story. The uh. The one called uh. Salivating.” FML FML FML. And as if that wasn’t bad enough all on it’s own, I later tried to fix it by messaging him on facebook and asking if he wanted to come study with me on Sunday.

“Sorry. That was the most awkward conversation I have ever tried to strike up with a classmate. I’m short on sleep and long on coffee, lately, so sometimes I’m having a little bit of trouble conveying the things speeding through my head at any given moment without sounding like a complete moron.

What I meant to say was your story was very interesting, I like that it is brief without sacrificing any of the imagery (how very Hemingway of you), and you should try to get more work up on your blog. Short fiction is kind of my thing, so at the very least, some random lady from class would be reading it. I’m sure that’s fantastic motivation.

Further, I think you seem like a smart guy, and we should get together sometime to study for HBE. It would be advantageous (for me, anyway) to have someone with opposing viewpoints on the topics to point out things I’m missing (it’s not terribly often that I meet someone willing to argue with me about the things I say). I’m trying to get into the habit of going to the campus library on Sunday evenings to get all my work for the next week done, so I’ll be there this week if that’s of any interest to you. 

-Lanna”

Dear Self: You still sounded like a complete moron.

Yes, I really did send that message to a guy who has a girlfriend, and who I have never even talked to (well, besides today) outside of a nature/nurture debate. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME? I don’t fucking know.

In other news, I hate my fucking life.

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