Thanks to my wonderful cousin Britt, who posted that tidbit I just reposted. It was stupidly appropriate for the topic of this post.

A few things have happened lately, and I think I am about to commit some pretty horrible sins. I guess it’s good that I don’t believe in god.

Is it still adultery if I’m not married? Or is it just being a horrible excuse of a human being? I can hear Mom already; “You’re just like your father.”

P. invited me over his apartment on Wednesday to smoke some weed. I am freaking out, because I, kind of ridiculously, have never smoked weed before. I don’t know how I’ll act. I don’t know what stupid things I might say. Or do. It’s very much a case of ‘be careful what you wish for.’

Any reasonable human being who saw where this was leading would just say “Hey, I’m busy. Maybe some other time.” But I am not a reasonable human being. There’s a shit ton of chemistry going on inside my head and I want to be stupid in love with someone who is stupid in love with me back. Sorry, S., but you can’t just expect to pick up four years into a relationship where it should have been from Day 1. You broke me when you told me you “didn’t recommend” that I propose to you. Four years, and you still don’t want to fucking get married? I don’t know why I’m writing this to you, because you’ll never read it, but seriously. When I’m being honest, I’m just your whore; we have a mutual exchange going—you pay the rent, and I let you fuck me. You didn’t love me until it was too late; four years is a long time for someone to pretend everything is fine, and you didn’t bother to fight for me until you realized I was ‘falling for a nihilist.’ Which, in retrospect, really makes me laugh. It doesn’t matter that I’m all over some other guy; what matters is your philosophical dick is bruised, because I fell for a nihilist over fucking objectivism.

Please note: everything would be fine if you weren’t obsessed with a RELIGION (yes, that is what Objectivism is; Ayn Rand is your god, Atlas Shrugged is your holy book, and you’re your own high priest. I’m the Devil, I guess) that preaches selfishness. Of course, when I get selfish, and want things for myself, or want to do things you’re not interested in, well, that’s irrational. Fuck. That. Shit.

Okay. Got a little off my chest there. I can’t fucking wait for Wednesday, so I can figure out where the fuck this is going. I guess I’ll post something on Thursday to inform my secret reader’s club about my secret pot-smoking meeting with my secret crush at his secret man-cave in a secret location. Sigh. Gonna keep pushing for polyamory to be socially acceptable in the United States.